| Location | Barnet, Herts |
| Age | 14 years |
| Cause of Death | Genetic Condition |
| Date of Birth | 20/06/1986 |
| Date of Death | 18/06/2001 |
| Visitors | 4,744 since 13/08/2007 |
| Creator |
Meshael's Story
Meshael was my only daughter. She wasn't my birth daughter, but I looked after her from three months
before she was born until the day she died. Let me explain!
I was married in 1984 to an Arab in Dubai. One day his family turned up, which was suprising in
itself, to visit us. To cut a long story short, my husbands sister was pregnant, she had been raped,
by her own son. My goodness if that wasn't enough, the family had decided that it was such a
terrible "shame" on their good names to have stuff like this going on and had brought her to my
husband for him to KILL her. You can imagine what was going in on my head. My husband was very
Westernised and tried to explain that it was the custom in Muslim countries that any woman not
married who was pregnant should be killed. I was furious because firstly the poor woman was RAPED
for Gods sake and secondly she had the mind of an eight year old child. After quite a lot of heated
discussion the family agreed that the offending sister would stay with us until the baby was born.
The saddest part of the story was that this poor sister (Fatima) was too scared to tell anyone what
had happened. Finally, when someone noticed she was six months pregnant, it was too late to take any
other action.
The moment I fell in love with my daughter was the moment I heard her heartbeat at the first scan I
took Fatima to. I knew that there was no way I could let anything happen to her. I spoke to my
husband and he agreed with me that when the time came, we would take the baby and raise her as our
own. And we did.
When she was 18 months old, I left my husband (by now an alcoholic) and came back to UK. My family
and I have been estranged for most of my life but I hoped that they would back me. They didn't do
much to help but in the end I managed to find a nursery, a house and a job and Meshael and I lived a
normal life.
One day when she was five or six the dentist noticed that her baby teeth had rotted away. It was odd
because I was very careful about brushing her teeth and sweets etc. They decided that it would be
best to remove them all under anaesthetic so did a routine blood test.
That was the beginning of the worst time of my life.
After months of tests and hospitals they found she had something called Fanconi Anaemia - a genetic
disorder affecting children. There is no cure. A bone marrow transplant can prolong their lives but
they are so prone to cancers that it would only be a prolongation.
For a few years she was almost symptom free. She had regular check ups and blood tests and had to
have the odd blood transfusion.
There wasn't too much information available in this country and I left it a lot to the doctors who I
believed would do their best. Too be honest, I think I stuck my head in the sand too.
I couldn't bear to think of the consequences. However, things got worse and worse.
In 1997, after a very bad spell in hospital, the paediatrician told me there was nothing else they
could do. I should take home to die. She also wanted to tell Meshael that she was going to die. It
was four days before Christmas. How could you even think of telling a child something like that
then? I told her that I didn't want her to be told anything like that. She got quite nasty and
insisted that Meshael had the right to know. After a few heated words, we left it that I would think
about what she had said and we would discuss it with the haemotologist. Dr Wonke is a lovely doctor
and was furious that paeds had gone over her head. Although it was my decision that Meshael would
NOT be told, she told me that she agreed wholeheartedly with me.
Well, Meshael got through that Christmas, and the next. But it was getting worse and worse. The
bleeds were becoming more intense and frequent. Transfusions were almost every week. Her platelet
counts were so low. She almost died three times. I can remember once being so stressed that I wished
that a bus would come and knock her off the pavement - just so it would be over for her instead of
having to go through all that treatment.
Finally, in June 2001, two days before her 15th birthday Meshael died.
I never told her, she knew though.
I was lucky to have one perfect night, the Saturday before she died. The morphine was just kicking
in and she was out of pain for the first time in weeks. We talked and laughed and had just the best
night ever. Her face was glowing out of the pillow. She died two days later. Her heart was failing,
her kidneys had failed. I had to let them turn off the drugs
and let her go peacefully.
I have never known such pain. I believe that nothing will ever be able to hurt me again after
feeling that pain.
I am so glad that I brought Meshael up to believe in spiritual things. She had all kinds of healing
and meditation and met lots of lovely people who helped her to understand about Angels and
religion.
One year later I was invited by my sister to a TV recording of \"The Sixth Sense". I had no idea
who the person was at the time but it turned out to be someone called Colin Fry. He is a medium.
Well, I was quite sceptical when I walked in, but he picked me out of hundreds of people. He started
to talk about conversations I had had with different people in the last few days before the
recording and he went into so much detail about so many things. I have no doubt that was my little
girl. There are no two other people who could know what he knew.
He talked about the rose bush my friend had tried to buy for Meshael. He said it was beautiful but
shame about the colour because the colour was wrong. How could he have known that my friend Cloe
came crying to me because she had wanted to get a BLUE rose for Meshael and couldn\'t.
In the end Cloe opted for a rose bush called "The Breath of Life" it was peach colour! He told me,
as I already knew, that I had to make the most difficult decision in my life - but she said that I
had made the right decisions before and after her death. The most important thing was that she
wanted me to know that she was alright. I think that was my turning point. I came out of the studio
on a hot air balloon. And I felt for the first time totally at peace within myself. I KNOW that she
is OK whereever she is. We were beamed out all over the world apparantly and recently they came back
to shoot another programme about how I felt about the reading and what was going on in my life at
the moment.
Meshael was so special, she had left me a letter that was written as if she knew that she was going
to leave me. On my birthday, I was crying my eyes out and howling. As I got into my car the locket,
which I keep on the rear view mirror containing her picture and lock of hair, was WIDE open, facing
me as I got in. The locket has never been opened since the day
I put it there. I know she wanted me know she was here.
Meshael never knew about the circumstances of her birth - I am so glad. It would not have mattered
if I had given birth to her - she could not be any more my daughter than she was. We were a unit and
I felt for ages like someone had cut off my other hand. I never wanted children of my own but I
think God sent me one of his most precious Angels to look after for a little while. Wish it could
have been longer but now I am sure that
we will be re-united one day.
Well, I am getting on with my life. Luckily I work and that gives me something to do with my time. I
have lots of animals and so many wonderful friends. We set up a web-site for Fanconi Anaemia in UK.
Please take a look, there's a photo of me and Meshael there too. Oh yeah, and I completed my
Fostering Course and am helping other abandoned children to become whole and feel loved and wanted.
It's a hard job but someone has to do it.
Thank you for reading Meshael's story - she is a very special Angel
I know Meshael really enjoys seeing the beautiful candles that have been left by people who have
been touched by her life. It is a comfort to me that her name is on the lips of strangers who may
never met her but who want to remember that such a special little girl was once here on earth.
God Bless
Please check out Meshael's other websites - made especially for her heaven birthdays. (There are
lots of graphics and music so please wait till it all downloads)
http://www.geocities.com/dadtochris7/meshaelbd.html
http://www.geocities.com/dadtochris7/meshael1.html
http://www.geocities.com/angelmomfriends8/meshael2.html
http://www.geocities.com/brokenheartsnews3/meshael21bd.html
Sometimes - written for Meshael's 20th birthday
Sometimes when I'm sleeping,
You whisper in my ear
And though I long to hold you
I'm content that you are near
Sometimes while I'm speaking
Your words come ringing through
They seem to come from my mouth
But I know that they're from you
Sometimes when I'm lonely
You touch my very heart
And I know you are around me
We will never ever part
Sometimes when I'm happy
I want to tell you so
But I know that you are watching me
You'll never, ever go
Sometimes when I'm missing you
The pain won't go away
Then you send Angel kisses
Till the aching goes away
Sometimes I know I'm lucky
That my Angel stays close by
To hug me and assure me
Until it's my turn to fly
Sometimes I feel I just can't wait
Until we meet once more
But I know that you'll be waiting
To lead me right through Heavens door
Written by Meshael's Mum Gail
My Eternal Light
You came to me, a miracle, a child born of shame
I took you in and loved you and I gave you my name
I never knew how short the time we had was going to be
But thank you for the special joy and love you gave to me.
When they said that you were sick, my heart broke in two
They said that there was nothing more that they could really do
I prayed to God to help up us and for him to make you well
I wondered why he put us through this daily living hell
And now you've gone, I'm all alone and missing you each day
I'll never ever understand why He took you away
My darling child I loved you more than anything I've known
And since you came to stay with me I know that I have grown
Your love was there to teach me and this lesson I have learned
Your need for me was special and was something that I yearned
I'll never know that love again but now I know what's right
My daughter you will always be my own Eternal Light
Hi Mummy
It's me, your Angel
Just checking in with you.
I know you're sad
because I'm gone,
and Mummy I'm sad too.
It's beautiful here,
wherever I am,
there's such a lovely view.
But mostly when I'm sitting here
I'm looking down at you.
I see all your feelings,
everyday when I look down,
I love to see you smile
and I know sometimes you frown
But guess what?
I have a job to do.
God saved it for your little girl.
I get to watch over you
and protect you from the world.
So though you cannot see me
and I know it's hard on you,
You'll surely see the benefits
of the job God has me do.
Just for Today
JUST FOR TODAY
By
Vicki Tushingham
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not her death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child I had for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting her by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
_____*hug*___*hug*____*h ug*___*hug*____
___*hug*______*hug*_ *hug*_______*hug*__
__*hug*__________*hu g*__________*hug*__
__*hug*_____________ ___________*hug*___
___*hug*________HELL O ________*hug*____
____*hug____________ _________*hug*_____
______*hug*_________ _______*hug*_______
________*hug*_______ _____*hug*_________
__________*hug*_____ ___*hug*___________
_____*hug*___*hug*__ __*hug*___*hug*____
___*hug*______*hug*_ *hug*_______*hug*__
__*hug*__________*hu g*__________*hug*__
__*hug*_____________ ___________*hug*___
___*hug*_______THINK ING________*hug*____
____*hug________OF YOU ________hug*_____
______*hug*_________ ________*hug*______
________*hug*_______ ______*hug*________
__________*hug*_____ ____*hug*___________
___________*hug*____ ___*hug*____________
____________*hug*___ __*hug*___________
_____________*hug*__ _*hug*___________
______________*hug*_ *hug*_____________
_________________*hu g*_______________
nite nite Meshael xxx
A Broken Heart That Speaks
I feel more depressed
Each day when I awake
I wish to god you could tell me
There has been a big mistake.
My darling child was taken
From his mothers love
To live with the angels
In heaven up above
I did not have him with me
For the time I should have had
No longer can I hold him
Which makes me very sad?
The pain of losing my baby
Shows in every single tear
I spend each day missing you
Longing to have you near
Life for me is lonely now
Without you by my side
My Broken shattered heart
Is very hard to hide
People tell me that time is a healer
That the pain will go away
They don’t understand
That this pain is here to stay
For when you lose a child
There is nothing that can compare
The bond we had at their birth
Will never leave, it’s always there
The love a mother has
Runs so very deep
That love is so special
It’s in her heart to keep
A mother’s heart is broken
She is ripped apart inside
There is a part of her missing
It left when her child died
So please don’t tell me to get over it
For this I can not do
Unless you understand my feelings
And this has happened to you
Only another mother who has lost a child
Can understand my pain
Because the also suffer daily
As the memories of their child remain
We are a band of mothers
Whose hearts will never heal?
For the loss of our children
Is for us, so very real.
A Mother's Grief
She carries such a heavy heart, her tears will often flow,
Seems everyone's avoiding her, seems no-one wants to know!
Her grief she carries all alone, nobody seems to care,
Or help her ease this burden, this burden she must bear.
Her baby has just left her, but where, where did he go?
Why did he have to leave so soon, and will she ever know?
A mother's grief's a lonely path, she only wants her child,
For other's understanding, their love, if only mild!
To talk of her lost baby, acknowledge her real pain,
To tell her life will soon be bright, she'll see her child again,
For he has gone to Heaven, an Angel up above,
Where there's no tears or dying, just great eternal love.
Try understand this mother's grief, praise God it was not you
That lost your precious, wanted child, for he was wanted too!
shine brightly angel xxxxxxxxxx
Meshael,I'm so glad you and your mum found each other if ever there was love between mother and daughter u 2 definately got it,
Mieshael you shine in heaven hun,and keep sending your mum special messages.
God Bless hun.
your 1 of heavens beautiful angels xxxxxxxxxxx
Blessings from God
The two of you were definitely a blessing to each other from God Himself. Where would Meshael be if you had not of been there to take her in & block the horrible Muslim ritual. She brought out the best in you. See you never wanted children, for whatever reasons, but God had to show you that you were mother material. It's so sad to lose a child, especially at that young age. For 15 years you gave her the best life anyone could've given her period. God is going to continue blessing you because you truly do deserve to be blessed.
I hear each tear fall on her face
I HEAR EACH TEAR FALL ON HER FACE
by Kaye Des'Ormeaux
My Mum doesn't know I'm watching her
but I'm watching her just the same.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
at the mention of my name.
She says it sounds like music to her ears
and be heard over a crowd.
Oh, I hear each tear fall on her face,
when my name is said aloud
I watch her stumble through each day
as she wishes the day would end.
And I hear each tear fall on her face
as she talks of me to her friends.
But there are few who truly understand.
Oh this I've heard her proclaim.
And I hear each tear fall on her face.
Will my mum ever be the same?
I know that her smiles light up a sky,
But I don't see that smile today.
Oh, but I hear each tear fall on her face.
Her blue skies have turned to grey.
Oh I send to her my warmest hug
with the rays of the morning sun.
Then; I won't hear a tear fall on her face,
For I shall erase them one by one.
YES, my MUM doesn't know I'm watching her,
but I'm watching her just the same.
And if I hear a tear fall on her face
I'll just softly whisper her name
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